Just give me a leg-up onto this soapbox will you...ta...

Click here for Evanessence feat. Me :o)

Jade Goody - just get it over with, FFS!
Now I know this probably seems harsh, but seriously - this has to be one of the most painfully long & drawn-out final curtains ever.
I'm far from unsympathetic to her plight. At the same age, I had rogue cells spotted as a result of a routine smear - I had treatment & the buggers were effectively nuked. No recurrences since, thanks God, so I made it OK. Other people close to me have not been so lucky - I've lost 2 peers to cancer, & very nearly my mum (she has been in remission for some years now but went through a lot.) So I am not in any way negating what JG is going through.
What irks though, is that suddenly she is suddenly some national heroine & personification of bravery - like no-one has ever had to deal with this before! So many people go through the same thing & more, & remain unsung.
I wouldn't mind so much if she was anything resembling a decent human being. But (just in case anyone forgot) she is an ignorant, aggressive, abusive, bullying fishwife who, despite her nouveau riche status, has proved beyond all shadow of a doubt that no amount of money buys you class. If Big Brother had never happened, she would still be one of societys' dregs, living in Bermondsey (still with a couple of kids no doubt, & probably a different violent criminal as a partner) & really of no loss.
To be fair I don't blame her for milking her position & making a mint - the fact that she has profited out of being complete chavscum says more about the loser-loving great British public & their warped priorities than it does about her. But I am heartily sick of all the publicity around her illness, wedding & imminent demise being sold to the highest bidder. Apparently she's 'doing it for her kids' - what, so all her existing millions not enough to keep them in trainers then?
Cynical though it seems, it has to be said though that this is probably the best thing she's ever done. What a career comeback after the Celeb BB fiasco! Now not only will she go out with a bang, instead of a slow fade back into well-deserved obscurity, but she will be immortalised like Marilyn Monroe & Princess Di before her. All her sins are forgiven, if not conveniently forgotten altogether, by the nation, so she gets absolution despite being a thoroughly unpleasant, intolerant idiot who uses volume to overcompensate for lack of content. But most importantly, many more young women are going for routine smears as a result of raising awareness of cervical cancer, which means more will end up in my position rather than hers. So finally she has some valuable contribution to make to society, so her hitherto utterly vacuous existence finally has a purpose.
But I'll certainly be glad when it's all over and done with (until the adverts start for the feature-length Blueray release of her funeral, that is...)

Time for the first media tart shenanigans of 2008! I'm sure you were all waiting with baited breath... anyway...

If you're at home watching daytime TV on Thursday 14th February, watch out for my slot on The People Watchers on BBC2 at 1.30pm - the bit about first impressions in job interviews! If you already have a job, you'll probably not be at home watching daytime TV, so VideoPlus number is 3645608 :o)

Next week Ashes to Ashes starts on BBC1 at 9pm, Thursday 7th February. Watch out for a bunch of New Romantics in the Blitz nightclub where Steve Strange is performing Fade to Grey! Not sure which episode the scenesare in, but the whole series should be excellent so worth watching anyway http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/ashestoashes/

Coinicidentally, Philip Glenister from Ashes to Ashes is also in ITV's 'The Last Van Helsing' horror drama series, which I just did some filming for. Some great costumes & SFX - we're in the bar full of weird vamp goth types & Spider from Corrie in a lot of prosthetic make-up. Details here http://www.philip-glenister.com/projvanhelsing.html


The movie Inkheart is due for cinema release on 19th March - if you want to try spotting me in the trailer, check it out here http://www.movieweb.com/video/V07L67aoxGHNVX

Finally, just had an audition last week with some lovely chums from the London Vampyre Group, to be a gothic/vamp team on the BBC2 quiz show Eggheads. It was definitely a challenge but I think we did OK! We should find out in a couple of weeks if we made it through, so fingers crossed!

No news yet on air dates for Hotel Babylon or He Kills Coppers, but as always, more news as it happens. And on the magazine front, a bit more mundane this time - I have an article coming out in Accounting Technician magazine about corporate social responsibility, but I wouldn't really recommend that you rush out & become an accounting technician just to get a copy...

So that's it for now - thanks to everyone that keeps in touch with your support & interest, it's all very much appreciated! And also to those that told me they spotted me in another St Winifreds clip on BBC's The One Show a few weeks back - shame I missed it, but good to know that St Wini's is still in the public eye somewhere (& that I'm still recognisable from age 11 - hmm!)

(Another article I had in the last issue of the Chronicles mag)

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People nowadays are, by natural progression, more computer-literate than ever before. But us Goths really seem to have taken the age of PC technology to our hearts and made it our own. Homepages, friends and networking sites, blog sites, email groups, discussion forums, website communities, online shops – Goths have an incredibly strong Net presence in all of these and more, and certainly, by all appearances, more so than any other cultural, sub-cultural or demographic group. Many of us have also chosen this as our career path, and are employed as computer programmers, games developers, support analysts or other IT whiz-kids.


So why is it that goths are so prevalent on ‘tinterweb and in the IT industry?


One reason could be that the nature of IT work – predominantly face-to-face with a screen more than with other people – is more accommodating of our alternative look than a more corporate, client-facing role, which would usually demand a more mainstream appearance. This could also be one of the reasons Goths often set up their own on-line businesses and promotions, either selling goods we’ve designed and/or made, or plugging events we’re running, bands we’re in etc. (The fact that there are so many wonderfully creative, driven and talented people in the goth scene also helps!)


Following on from that, as goths, we have a very distinctive set of interests and tastes. We’re unlikely to find the clothes we want in Debenhams, or the CDs and DVDs in Our Price, or the social events in Time Out. So the web is the perfect forum for sourcing and promoting, buying and selling all the things we want.


So we can see the practical advantages. But what about all the personal sites – the homepages, the blogs, LiveJournal, Myspace, etc.? Why do we feel the need to promote ourselves just as much as our products and events? So many of us bare our bodies, hearts and souls in public forums – photos, diary entries, more photos, anguished laments, poetry and creative writings, artwork, yet more photos, more diary entries.


Essentially, goths have a peacock quality. We want to be seen and taken notice of, and again the web is the ideal way to do this. We’re also big drama queens, and if we’re not being centre of attention ourselves, we want to know what’s happening with other people – the gossip, the scandal, the intrigue! We cyberstalk people by stealthily checking their web pages, blogs, new photos etc., even (in fact especially) if it’s people we don’t like and don’t actually want to see face to face. (Although actively avoiding their e-presence is preferable, IMO).


And sometimes one of the reasons we plaster up details of our own lives is because we know certain people will look at it, and we want to go ‘Ner ner’ without actually having to make the effort or look like we care what they think.


Which leads onto why we use our PCs so much as a means of communication and meeting people. The standard questions these days when meeting someone socially for the first time are “Are you on LJ/msn/Myspace/Faceparty etc?”, and to not have at least one of those can be social suicide. How else can someone keep in touch if not through email, instant messaging, Myspace messages, LJ comments? Well, there is the telephone, or actually meeting and talking, but that is so last-century…


Usually, with any of these sites, you can keep track of contact details for people as they’re all on your friends list. The standard comment these days after meeting someone is “I’ll send you an add!” But we often end up as ‘friends junkies’ – we need hundreds or thousands of people on our list to prove to ourselves, and others, that we are popular, that people like us, that we have mates. Although realistically, most of them probably aren’t – they’re just people we met once in a drunken haze, or have never met and never will, or who send a brief “How r u?” every other blue moon (but don’t actually care what the answer is).


Even though we goths set ourselves apart from the norm and the mainstream, and often make like we’re such misunderstood, tortured souls, we really crave acceptance and a sense of belonging from and with those we consider to be like us. So we add more and more casual acquaintances to our friends list and hope it makes us look like we’re socially in demand.


It does have its definite social advantages though, obviously. The web is an excellent way of keeping in contact with real friends, especially those that live further away (or in some cases, nearby but we’re usually too busy to get together) and keeping up-to-date on what’s going on in their lives. But maybe we should direct our efforts towards those people, those genuine friends, rather than have them get lost amongst all the ones about whom we actually know nothing, care even less, and probably wouldn’t recognise if we were stood next to them at the bar!

This is an article I did for the current issue of the Chronicls, but for the benefit of anyone who hasn't seen it (why not? buy the mag! ;oD )

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Goths. What a gorgeous and well-groomed bunch we all are. We wear stunning, spectacular and sexy clothing and makeup, we’ve harnessed the power of eyeliner, corsets and heels, and we generally maximise the potential of whatever nature (and Max Factor) gave us. Admittedly, there are some unfortunates amongst us with a face like a bag of chisels (gods love ‘em), but by and large, Goths, and vamps in particular, are known for looking fantastic. Go us!


On top of that, many of our number are very artistic and creative with a good eye for the aesthetic, and there are plenty of photographers, either blooming or budding, within the scene.

Put these two together and, somewhat inevitably, you end up with very many, very nice, and usually very flattering, photos of Goths and vamps looking very arty, esoteric and generally fanciable (if you like that type of thing). Or alternatively, looking all theatrical and dramatic and menacing (we like that too).


Either way, it’s something different to the usual family album, and given that most holiday snaps, photo booths etc make everyone look like a serial killer with a bad hangover, it’s nice to have some good photos of oneself to look at - particularly some decades down the line when we’re boring our fellow residents of the Twilight Home for the Elderly Bewildered with tales of our misspent youth. “Here’s me at Whitby, 2005 – had to have a rib removed to get into that corset, y’know…”


But the camera does lie. With the wonders of inch-thick slap and modern technology, even the plainest Goth can look striking at the hands of a photographer who knows what they’re doing. Soft focus, lighting effects, camera angles – and quite frankly if Photoshop can’t help you, only plastic surgery can. Suffice to say that the face we see in the photo is a long way removed from the one we see in the mirror each morning.


However, it seems to be increasingly the case that many people are beginning to believe their own hype, or at least the camera. It now seems that anyone who has stood in front of a lens thinks this gives him or her some pseudo-celebrity status, enough coolness to make the Fonz look lukewarm, and a claim to the title of ‘model’. However the reality is usually somewhat different and certainly less glamorous. Saying “Oh, I’m a model, darling” (or “My girlfriend is a model”, or whatever) has a bit more perceived kudos than “I work in an office but occasionally stand in front of a camera for free photographs, or the odd tenner if I’m lucky.”


Doing something and being something are two completely different things. Posing for a few photoshoots doesn’t make you a model any more than slapping a coat of paint on the walls of my spare room makes me a painter and decorator, and wearing a pair of shades indoors does not make you Neo.


Female Gothic or alternative models are ten a penny. Goths have a strong Net presence so just check out any Goth website - you won’t find photos taken at last Christmas’s family gathering; no, they’ll be professional-looking posed and improved photos. Guys who model are less ubiquitous – probably because even Goth guys are generally less self-obsessed and posey than girls, although there are exceptions – but any measure of success is in no small part due to having less competition.


This is not knocking the people who do this sort of thing – credit where it’s due, many of the results are indeed very impressive. But anyone who does this modelling malarkey should be very wary of disappearing so far up his or her own PVC-clad butt that it would take colonic irrigation to return to normal. In fact the same can be said of any Goths who start believing themselves to be the image and persona that they’ve created.


We know that we are often regarded by the outside world as being a bit weird, eccentric and death- and self- obsessed, but it doesn’t really matter because we takes ourselves a lot less seriously. We surround ourselves with the faintly silly trappings – coffin-shaped bags, skull motif wallets, bat shaped jewellery, spiderweb clothing – and give ourselves ridiculous names and titles to fully reflect how dark and evil we are (ahem).


But all this with tongues firmly in cheeks the whole time, and while actually being quite pleasant and sensible and respectable (the Guardian recently said so, so it must be true). The danger comes when fellow Goths start taking themselves far too seriously and think it’s part of the job description to be egotistical, arrogant, aloof, sullen, with a permanent pout and a drugs habit. Not only does this alienate their mates (who are often pointing and laughing behind their backs, if not to their faces) but it also fuels the negative image that most people have of Goths, which in turn affects the rest of us. We have a bad enough name already (recent Guardian article notwithstanding) so why make it worse?


In short then – by all means dress up, look fab, pose about and live the gothic dream, but keep it real!

So today is St Patrick’s Day. Big fat hairy deal. Earlier I saw a guy wearing one of those huge foam ‘pint of Guinness’ hats. A few minutes later I spotted a girl in a green wig and green wellies. Both of which would be in some way understandable if they were on a night out with a group of mates, but this was 8.30am walking into work and they were alone. Consequently, out of context they just looked ridiculous.

Tonight the pubs, particularly those pseudo-Irish ones, will be full of people wearing ridiculous get-ups like that, all tanked up on Guinness and saying things like ‘Top o’ the mornin’ to ye’ in crap mock-Irish accents. (All of which makes it a good plan to avoid the pub tonight, IMO). And it’s a fairly safe bet that in fact, none of these ‘eejits’ will actually have a clue who St Patrick actually was or what he did, or know anything about the history, culture, people, customs etc of the country they are supposedly celebrating, or even care.

It’s just an excuse to get drunk (is one really needed?), preferably on Guinness (whether they like it or not is immaterial) while looking like a fool in silly headgear, and it’s all based on (quite insulting IMO) stereotypes.

On St George’s Day, does everyone descend on chintzy tea shoppes and have raucous cream teas and Earl Gray in china cups, wearing foam London Bus hats and saying things like ‘What ho, old chap!’ ? No. On St David’s Day, do we eat leeks, worry sheep and try to sound like Gladys Pugh in ‘Hi de Hi’? I think not. On St Andrew’s Day, are the pubs full of people in kilts & tam'o'shanters with orange wigs attached, going ‘Och aye the noo!’ and getting wasted on whisky? Not as far as I am aware.

My mum’s side of the family are all from Ireland – I was given an Irish name, brought up a Catholic in an Irish-dominated parish, 3 of whose 4 priests were called Patrick (and the 4th, Kieron), did Irish dancing shows and competitions from an early age, and had elderly family members with accents I couldn’t understand (but none of whom had green hair, IIRC). But I’ve never been to Ireland and have a limited affinity with the place.

So, even with that background, I don’t feel the need to celebrate it in any way – so I don’t quite get why people with even less of a connection than me have this obsession with St Patrick’s Day – or rather, with the colour green and drinking too much, which is all it boils down to really. I don’t dispute the occasion itself – on the contrary, I think it’s a good idea to celebrate a country and raise awareness of it. But 1) why limit it just to St Pat and Ireland, and 2) if you’re going to do it, then do it properly and learn a thing or two about the place, rather than have a pointless boozefest that has no bearing whatsoever on the occasion, or turn the fountains in Trafalgar Square green.

Having said that, its highly unlikely to happen, as at the end of the day no-one in a Guinness hat actually gives a stuff about Ireland, they just want to party for the sake of partying. In which case, fair enough, party by all means – just at least be honest about your motives instead of faking it!

And finally, for the love of god, lose those stupid fecking hats...

Its an age-old question and may have already been done to death, but here’s my addition anyway to the debate ‘Why is it that guys who sleep around are studs, but girls who do are sluts?’

I have a lot of years of sexual activity under my belt (no pun intended), even though I was, by most people’s standards it seems, a late starter at 18. But I’ve had plenty of time to make up for that later on in life, when I was in a much more responsible position to make my own decisions for the right reasons, and not to get traumatised/pregnant/something nasty as a result.

People - not just girls, although particularly younger people - often have a ripcord on their underwear for entirely the wrong reasons. For example:
· They think it makes them grown-up
· They think it makes them popular
· They think it makes them cool
· They are desperate for attention
· They get sex confused with love
· They don’t know how to say no
· They are drunk/stoned
Which is why it so often all ends in tears before (or rather, after) bedtime – huge mistakes leaving people (usually girls and mostly younger ones) in a situation they can’t handle properly, at best feeling crap about themselves, and at worst being landed with a baby or infection or even just a reputation. Although a guys’ reputation is usually somewhat more favourable than a girls’ (more on that later).

I’m not by any stretch a puritan – I don’t claim that sex should always be between two people who love each other blah blah. It can be between as many people as you like and they don’t even have to like each other very much as long as there’s a physical attraction. (Although I do maintain that it should be between attractive people – ugly people having sex is just icky)*

If I sleep with someone (& I'm extremely discerning, might I add - I have high standards!), it’s purely for the fun of it, because I like them/fancy them enough and I want to and I can. (So ner.) Not because I’m deluded/immature enough to think that any of the above listed reasons are anything but a complete crock. I make informed decisions as a consenting adult who knows what she wants, what she’s doing and why. I don’t tread on other people’s feelings or lead them on – I’m usually quite upfront about what I want and don’t want (why do some people find that disconcerting, btw?). But I don’t make any apologies for it, as I consider it my right to behave as I want, as long as it’s for the right reasons (ie none of the above list) and isn’t doing anyone any harm.

Does that make me a slut? I don’t think so – I think it makes me an independent, sensible, broadminded adult. Some people however (of both genders) do deserve that title, IMHO – those that randomly and indiscriminately shag anything with a pulse, however minging, just for the sake of it (and possibly for some of the reasons listed above). That is unpleasant and cheap and shows a lack of self-respect. Ew. I don’t deny I have had a few encounters I’ve regretted, mostly in my misspent youth, but the decision itself wasn’t a bad one – it was the quality of the encounter, or the unexpected repercussions, that ultimately made it a bad move. Hey ho, that can’t always be helped, and you live and learn etc. etc.

But I don’t think numbers of sexual partners is in itself an issue. There is never a right answer to the question “How many people have you slept with?” unless it is the same number as the person asking. Any more and you feel like a tart, any less and you feel like *they* are a tart. My standard – and honest – answer to that one is “Possibly more than I should have, but definitely less than I could have.” [I thought it was because you’d lost count – Ed.]

So, back to the question – why is it deemed socially acceptable for guys but not for girls? There are probably historical reasons, whether you go back to previous centuries - with different social mores than today - or as far back as evolution allows - when the males had to shag about as much as possible to propagate the species while the females stayed in the cave and dealt with the results. But whether you relate it to nature or nurture, the fact remains that, although that may have been a socially acceptable theory many moons ago, in these days of female emancipation etc it is just an antiquated attitude with no place in the modern age. Even the most Neanderthal of knuckle-dragging chavsters should have moved on by now!

I fully respect any woman’s right to be buried in a Y-shaped coffin if she so chooses, as long as it is an educated, informed, appropriate choice made for the right reasons.


*ah, bound to have insulted a few people there ;oP

I like to think of myself these days as being a fairly confident, self-assured person. But it was not always that way – far from it, in fact. And not that long ago either. I had my fair share of teen angst (which WAS long ago, har har – Ed.), which I’m sure was nothing that most teenagers don’t go through to some extent. But even in my late 20s I had a fairly crippling bout of low self-esteem and self-confidence and a pretty large dose of inferiority complex. (Not that I want you to get out the violins or anything, I’m just telling it how it was.)

And how it was, was this.
I was going out with a completely fantastic guy a few years younger than me. Utterly gorgeous, excessively smart, extremely funny, life and soul of the party, hugely talented musically and dramatically, charismatic, sophisticated and all round Mr. Popular. You could get a suntan just standing behind him if he bent over. For reasons I never quite got my head round, he seemed to think the world of me. But I always felt that I was beneath him on all counts. This wasn’t helped by the fact that his social crowd consisted predominantly of students who were also very talented – all-singing, all-dancing, all-acting etc etc – and a good 10 years or so younger than me to boot. I felt extremely old, talentless and dull in comparison.

I was also painfully conscious of the fact that a significant number of girlies were after getting into his pants (some of them being quite blatant about it right in front of me – that’s just rude!). I also felt that he was trying to turn me into something I wasn’t – taking me to the ballet, Shakespeare plays, classical music concerts (I felt uncultured and unsophisticated, with my love of rock music, chop socky movies and TV soaps), telling me I looked better without all the goth makeup, and that he preferred me in my work clothes to my normal goth attire. To give him credit, in retrospect I think it was just that he was trying to share his own interests with me rather than convert me, and he just thought I looked fab even in no make-up or dressy outfits. But at the time, I felt like I just wasn’t good enough for him.

Eventually, for completely unconnected (and totally amicable) reasons, we went our separate ways and since then I have been far happier single (one misjudged bout of DMR not withstanding) and rediscovering my own sense of identity and independence. In the goth/rock scenes though, I’m constantly surrounded by very beautiful and creative, imaginative, artistic people - musicians, designers, artists, writers, entrepreneurs, models, thespians (oh, and a few talentless munters, but they have their place too ;oP). It could be very easy to slip back into feeling a bit useless in comparison to some of them.

But these days I am far more comfortable with myself (rah!) and I get a lot of compliments and positive feedback on various levels - and every comment is truly valued and appreciated, and I never take any of it for granted. I can’t deny that the media & modelling stuff helps a lot, although again the scene is so full of camera sluts of varying degrees of talent and attractiveness that its really not such a big deal, and you can’t get up your own butt about it (although many do).

At 35, again I can’t take any of it for granted and I’m making the most of opportunities while I can. I never feel bad about my age though – despite the self-deprecatory comments I’m so fond of – because I know that I could pass for far younger, plus I also have the maturity and intellect, independence and self-assuredness, and general savvy that goes with my years and experience. Best of both worlds really!

The goth scene can appear, from the outside, as being extremely pretentious and full of arrogant tossers posing and pontificating to within an inch of their lives. See it from the inside though, and you realise that for every one of those, there’s someone else who is using that façade to cover up insecurities and self-doubts (just look for the Goth stripes…) I certainly don’t fall into that category. But having been at the low points, I know enough not to be smug and self-satisfied. I can keep up my self-confidence and self-esteem by being thankful for all the compliments and reminding myself why I’m not actually crap, but it’s a conscious effort to do that rather than a blasé attitude of “I’m ace, me, so ner!” (which is unattractive in anyone, even if its justified.)

Ironic then that a member of my family, who is a professional expert on personality disorders, (most pertinently narcissism) and who should surely be an expert on me as well, seems to think I am arrogant and full of myself. What’s that all about? No-one who really knows me is under that impression, AFAIAA. It’s a bit sad then that someone who should know better, on many levels, knows so little about me, about what makes me tick and what has contributed to it all over the years.

But hey ho, I’ve learned to focus on the positives (and constructive criticism) and not to get dragged down by unjustified denigration, whoever its from (easier said than done sometimes, but some people's opinions just aren't worth a chewed crisp.) I think we all need to develop our own sense of (uninflated) self-worth and not be affected by the people who are determined to cut you down. Twisted Sister got it right!

'I do,' Alice hastily replied; `at least, I mean what I say - that's the same thing, you know.'

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One of my main grumbles, both personally and professionally, is people with a lack of communication skills. I don’t expect everyone to have a Shakespearian mastery of the English language, but a basic ability to string a sentence together would help. I’ve had my ‘spelling nazi’ rant elsewhere, but today’s topic is – people who don’t say what they mean – or mean what they say!

I am all in favour of being straight and honest with people wherever possible. That doesn’t mean riding roughshod over their feelings however – it is possible to be clear but sensitive when making a point. There is no point in using tact and diplomacy to the extent that you become completely ambiguous. All too often people are treading on eggshells so much that they fail to make themselves understood – they end up giving out mixed signals and just end up confusing people, which is usually more detrimental in the long-term than the effect of delivering a difficult message in the first place.

I think I am pretty good at reading between the lines and pick up on hidden meanings when people are trying to tell me something without actually having the nerve to be specific. But it annoys me that I have to resort to such a combination of psychology and mindreading, plus sometimes I can get it wrong which is even more annoying. And I am more likely to assume the worst and read far too much into things than I am to be oblivious to dropped hints. I would much rather someone just saved me all the hassle and gave it to me straight (albeit in a non-offensive manner – eg ‘That dress really doesn’t suit you’ is preferable to ‘You look dreadful in that dress ) instead of making some cryptic comment that I then have to spend ages decoding (‘You’re really brave to wear that dress!’). Plus then you have to have angsty conversations with people to get to the bottom of it (along the lines of ‘I get the impression that blah blah blah – am I right or am I over-reacting?’ ) which is even more of a hassle, especially if they are reluctant to spell things out for you (which presumably they are or you wouldn't be in that situation in the first place.)

Why do people do this? I think its because no-one is comfortable giving negative feedback or bad news, partly because they don't want to hurt people's feelings (fair enough) but more probably because they are scared of what the reaction will be. In some cases they just blatantly lie (‘You look great in that dress!’). That does not help anyone. In most cases however, they will try and drop subtle hints in the hope that the other person will get the message without them having to take responsibility for their comments, or deal with the possible reaction/fall-out/tears and tantrums/guilt trips etc.
That is of course if you assume that the other person will react badly. Which in itself is quite insulting because a) you’re expecting the worst from them rather than giving them the benefit of the doubt, and b) you’re taking away their choice to react how they like and their right to be told what they need to know. Admittedly, some people are hopeless in the face of bad news, and will become defensive/hysterical/aggressive/be in denial etc. But speaking personally, I like to think I have more maturity, good grace and dignity than that, so I would always prefer someone was honest – I would certainly respect them a lot more for having the courage of their convictions and being upfront.

The other reason is probably that some people just don't have enough of a grasp of language & vocabulary to be able to express themselves appropriately. Or indeed enough self-awareness to know what they want to say in the first place. But then, even 'I'm really confused at the moment & I don't really know what I want to say' is better than saying either nothing, or everything including stuff that is contradictory.

Some people have accused me of sometimes being too blunt, which is my failing for not being quite sensitive or tactful enough, & I am working on that (with some success, I feel). But at least I don't mess people about, make promises I can't keep, lead people on or confuse them (unless they are very easily confused!) And IME people appreciate that far more than misplaced concern. No-one wants (or should want) to hurt someone's feelings. But not being honest with people will ultimately hurt their feelings more in the long run anyway.

I’m not a remotely artistic person – I can’t paint or draw, and what I know about art you could write on the back of a postage stamp and still have enough space for a shopping list. But I do have an appreciation of aesthetic value, and of the amount of talent, time, effort, imagination, creativity and passion (for the subject matter and for the art itself) that goes into a painting, drawing, sculpture or other artistic creation. Which is why IMO modern art is utter shite.

I recently spent a week in Tuscany, and visited a variety of churches, cathedrals, museums, galleries and landmarks in Pisa, Siena and Florence. As with a previous visit to Rome I was completely blown away by the stunning and elaborate architecture, sculptures, fountains, paintings etc that are so prolific over there. The incredible and painstaking attention to detail (yet often on such a huge scale); the vibrant colours and lifelike expressions that make painted or sculpted characters look like they could step off the canvas or plinth at any moment… it was just staggering. Michaelangelo, Carravagio, Botticelli and so many, many others don’t instil in me any religious fervour (as was probably the intention with many of their works) but they do instil a fervent admiration and appreciation of them and their work that is bordering on religious. These guys created works of art, not commercial piss-takes. Even if you don’t find their styles to your taste (and fair enough, not everyone wants their lounge to look like the Sistine Chapel) you can’t deny the sheer genius and tremendous talent involved.

Unlike the useless bits of tat that are claimed to be ‘art’ in the modern age. Art has got progressively more brain-dead and heart-dead over the years. Even alleged greats were ofen lacking in imagination (e.g. Van Gogh – a chair, for heavens sake?!) or style (eg Lowry and his stick people) or simple brush-to-paper talent (many of Picasso’s could have been banged out in 10 minutes by a primary schooler. Abstract is just a cop-out word for ‘can’t draw things’.)

And don’t tell me it’s all deep and meaningful and I don’t appreciate the hidden depthy connotations. The bits of blurb attached to the complete gubbins that fill the rooms of the Tate Modern and other places - the piles of bricks, the blob smeared canvasses, the shitted beds, the pickled mongeese or whatever - all describing the profound thoughts and observations they allegedly represent, contain far more creativity and imagination than the pieces themselves. I refuse to believe that the artist had any inkling or intention of what they are claimed to have meant by their work – that is just the desperate, delusional ramblings of some reality-challenged art critic, trying to justify why they haven’t actually been taken for a complete mug. I can just imagine the artist (and I use that term VERY loosely) thinking “Wow, and there was me thinking I just randomly hacked into a lump of granite, yet all the time I was a tortured soul trying to communicate how I see the world… anyway, any chance of a life to the bank with my wheelbarrows?”

If they DID actually have all those profound thoughts, but could only articulate them by sticking together households rubbish (er, Blue Peter anyone?) then I suggest they work on developing their communication skills (or their artistic ones).

Some years ago I went to the Pompadou Gallery in Paris with a (rather pretentious) friend. There was an exhibition on, supposedly of art representing masculine and feminine. These included (seriously) a square of canvas painted plain red, an unpainted square of canvas that someone had put a straight 6” slit in with a Stanley knife, and some bits of string hanging from the ceiling. As we made our way around, with me alternating between guffaws and sad head-shaking, my (RP)F was waxing lyrical about how amazing and incredible some of the bits of crap were and what they represented. Who was she trying to impress?? The only amazing and incredible thing is that some people have their heads so far up their own bottoms that they can’t appreciate the real deal and the only thing that is represented is the big laughs that the Tracey Emineminems and Damian Hursts of this world are having at their expense,, which just encourages them to churn out even more garbage.

Call me an art nazi, but IMHO everyone who is in any way responsible for this general decline of the art world into an ugly, talent-free zone, either through creating such bilge, making up even more bilge to make it all sound more worthwhile than it actually is, should be lined up and shot with paint pellets (although that would then probably be displayed in the Tate Modern or the Saatchi gallery). I am ashamed to say that I have visited the TM, but at least that allows me to have an informed opinion. And perhaps the most obscene thing about it, is that people with far more money than either sense or taste, spend an astronomical amount of cash on this stuff which could be put to far better use.

And yes, I know that it is all subjective and in the eye of the beholder, that different pieces may mean different things to different people, its all personal perception and yadda yadda yadda, but seriously, its an Emperors New Clothes situation at its worst. So please, people, don’t waste your time, admiration and money on such freakshow exhibits as constitutes ‘modern art’, when there are so many far more worthy creations that incredibly talented men dedicated their lives to producing.

It is sadly all too often the case that in a relationship, one person treats the other one like shit. Anyone can be a victim – if it happens to you, its not your fault. However, if you allow it to go on happening, then while you’re not responsible for someone else’s actions, you ARE responsible for for putting yourself in a position where you allowed them to do this to you again.

I have been on the receiving end of appalling (IMO) behaviour from people I’ve been dating – however if someone treats me badly once, they rarely get the chance to do it again, because I swiftly mobilise my karma and kick ‘em to the kerb (mantra!) I refuse to let myself become a victim, because I know I deserve better than that – its that simple.

I have 3 psycho exes (not so bad over 17 years!) and ditched each of them when I knew enough was enough. However, one was so outraged at this that in the vitriolic (& quite frankly deluded) tirade that followed, he actually asked how many strikes someone got in my ‘personal Personnel manual’ before I sacked them! Well, the answer is ONE, actually! But he obviously thought that I should just have put up with his crap indefinitely?! I wouldn’t mind but he got a far longer stay of execution than most as I thought it was worth persevering (and the moral of this story is…) before I finally gave it up as a bad job.

So, this leads to the question – why do people think it is OK to put up with inexcusable behaviour by a partner? (NB – In this context I’m referring only to emotional/psychological grief, not physical abuse, which is a lot more cut and dried as an issue – suffice to say that if anyone ever laid a finger on me, they wouldn’t do it twice.) Some examples (and this list is not exhaustive) are:

1) Possessiveness and unwarranted jealousy
2) Accusing you of mistreating them in ways you patently have not
3) Blowing hot and cold – first they want you, then they don’t, building you up just to know you down again
4) Being overly critical
5) Taking advantage, eg financially or otherwise
6) Ignoring/distant
7) Flaunting their 'other activities' (ahem)

And other such twisted mental games. Fortunately for me, I've not been subjected to all of these, but I know plenty of people who can fill in those gaps with their own experiences.

I think there are far too many cases of Emotional BDSM (that’s Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism for my vanilla readers). There are people who must have a masochistic streak because they just keep going back to the same person (or another person, then another…) for more of the same treatment. Why? Some theories…


1) They are delusional. They think “He/she will change; they only [insert emotional abuse method here] because they love me; its my fault, I made them do it” etc etc. Que?? Get real, people! They won’t change, its not your fault, and if this is how they demonstrate love, then gods help you if they ever decide they hate you.

2) They have such low self esteem, they feel they don’t deserve, or will never get, anything better. NOOOO! You are worth more than this – find someone who realises that!

3) It’s the sad ol’ standby, “ But I love him/her!” Pathetic. How can you possibly love someone who does that to you? What are they doing to be worthy of your love and devotion? Nothing. So get a grip and take off those rose-coloured bottle-bottom specs.

4) They make excuses for the other person. “Its not their fault, they’ve been traumatised by a difficult childhood/relationship/day at work.” Hmm. These may be reasons (although its more likely the person is just a twisted sick puppy) but they are not excuses – people choose their own actions, and shouldn’t blame it on someone or something else, or look for too-little-too-late disclaimers, to absolve themselves of any responsibility.

5) They are scared of the consequences of tackling the issue. Understandable maybe, but not sensible – it may be a difficult and upsetting thing to go through but weigh up a few hours of angst or conflict against months or years of misery… Getting yourself out of something like this is incredibly liberating and uplifting, and the harder the other person tries to make it for you, the more you know you've made the right decision.

6) They are drama queens who just thrive on wallowing in self-pity and how hard-done-by they are - it gives them something to moan and gripe about and gain sympathy over.

I've been there myself - well, 1 and 4 anyway - so I feel qualified to comment - you live and learn from your mistakes and should then know better next time, but sadly not everyone can do this.

Whatever the reason (and none of them viable IMO) it remains that some people just allow themselves to be submissive gluttons for emotional punishment – they have the option to take control and get themselves out of this situation, but they don’t. They just keep going back for more – and and the other person just keeps dishing it out, because they know they can, with no consequences to themselves. (As to why they do it, I’ll leave my thoughts on that for another entry!)

But there’s only so much you can do to advise and help people – they have to help themselves. And if they choose not to, and to remain a doormat, then my sympathy becomes seriously limited.

This topic keeps raisisng its head at the moment, not so much for me but for a lot of people I am close to, so here are my thoughts (such as they are...)
I think it's now pretty well established that I have made a conscious decision to stay single (ie unmarried/uncohabiting) as a lifestyle choice. Its not because I've been traumatised by bad experiences - its because I have realised (through 17 years of both crap & also perfectly good experiences) that DMRs (Deep & Meaningful Relationships) are not for me. Its also not because I haven't 'met the right one' - I spent 3 years with the loveliest guy in the world, including a year of living together, & it became clear that however wonderful the other person, & indeed the relationship, I need my freedom, independence & own living space above all else. Just the situation of being in a DMR makes me feel restricted & claustrophobic, even if the other person isn't causing or exacerbating this.
Obviously mine is a lifestyle that doesn't suit everyone. I know people that need DMRs in the same way as they do fags or booze or drugs. Serial monogamists, always moving directly from one DMR to the next because they are incapable of operating independently & need the validation/social prop/distraction from what is in their own heads that another person provides. That kind of dependency is, IMO, unhealthy, & I personally don't need it.
Some people I know, however, have made the decision to stay single for completely different, & IMO untenable, reasons. These are the people who, having been hurt one too many times in the past, have decided 'Never again'. Seems like a good idea at the time - feels like you're back in control again - but ultimately, it won't work.
Firstly, I think having bad experiences previously is actually a good reason to take the plunge again with someone new - there is always the hope that this/next time will be better. (Whereas I know that, for me, even when a DMR is as good as it gets, its still not going to make me truly happy.)
And secondly, you can't just switch your emotions off like a tap. Fear of it going wrong doesn't stop you from wanting it to be right - so you *will* meet people you want to be with, & being scared of getting involved when you really want to will just make you miserable. Whereas when I meet someone fab, I either want to be good mates, sleep with them, or both (erotic friends, its the way forward!) I certainly very rarely develop romantic notions towards them - I'm just not the mushy type. And when I see mates going through mush-related angst, I'm very glad that I'm not!
Not, I hasten to add, that I am a cold & callous bint - I do genuinely care about friends (platonic or erotic!) & I am sorely disappointed if someone I want to spend time with doesn't reciprocate that - but I also know full well that I'll get over it & my life is not at an end.
A couple of good friends are going through similar 'should I or shouldn't I?' dilemmas at the moment, essentially for reasons as above. My advice, for what its worth, is this.
The bottom line is, you will either stay with this person forever or you will eventually part company. Realistically, the probability is the latter (otherwise we'd all be with the first person we ever dated, & then how dull would life be?!) But ask yourself:
1) How painful is the breakup likely to be?
2) How enjoyable is the time before that - the good time - likely to be?
3) If I deny myself this opportunity, how much will I regret it?
Difficult to predict, admittedly, but if on balance 2 & 3 are likely to outweigh 1, then go for it!
And good luck, people ;o)

Why is it that some people are unable to just be themselves when there are other people about? Is it because they are so insecure that they think their ‘real self’ is too uninteresting and unentertaining, so they feel the need to try and be something they’re not? Or is it simply that they have no ‘real’ self – they are in fact so bland and devoid of personality that they have to artificially create one? Either way, what’s ironic is that they invariably do a hash job of it and end up coming across as the most irritating person in the world (and often still boring).

If a drum ‘n’ bass disco in Ibiza is my hell, then a party that I went to last year is my purgatory. I felt as though I was surrounded by particularly bad late-night TV presenters, each behind their own thin veneer of fake confidence, all trying to out-do each other to be centre of attention. Over-loud forced laughter at their own piss-poor jokes, cringeworthy attempts to get everyones attention before delivering obviously scripted and rehearsed routines (yet not rehearsed enough to sound natural), pathetically unconvincing attempts to gain cred points (“I’m really cool me, no honest, I am actually, cos, listen, right, {insert ludicrous but not actually impressive claim here}”) Sadly I can’t put in actual examples, much as I’d like to, in order to protect the guilty (and possibly my own teeth…)

Every now and then there’d be a crack in the façade as someone realised they’d been relegated back to the social sidelines, and I’d see a flash of barely-concealed discomfort or even panic, unsure suddenly of what to do or say next or of how to get back into the limelight. The whole thing was just painful to observe, and so, so contrived. I ended up just watching it all in horrified, incredulous fascination – it was like car crash TV.

Anyway, my point is that I far prefer people where what you see is what you get. Which isn’t to condone the “I tell it like it is, me, so ner” mentality – it is possible to be both genuine and also tactful and diplomatic. Using the excuse of being upfront and honest to justify being unduly harsh and unpleasant is just another example of covering up the person you really are.

But I really can’t be doing with people who feel the need to (poorly) fake being a lively, interesting, entertaining person, either through low self-esteem, a high need to please or desperate need to belong and/or impress, or a combination of these (or even just due to being a complete tosser). You don’t have to be outgoing and naturally exuberant or affiliative to be liked. Some of the people whose company/conversation I enjoy the most are the more introverted, unassuming ones who still have a lot to say, albeit quietly. Being OTT is incredibly annoying, especially if you in fact have nothing of any consequence to say and use volume to compensate for lack of content.

Plus, by trying to outwardly be something you’re not, and to be perceived as such, you’ll alienate the people you would naturally gel with, and only attract people you wouldn’t normally be comfortable spending time with. Or worse, anyone perceptive will see through the disguise and realise you’re sad and pathetic as well as irritating.

So the moral of this rant is - be at ease with yourself and others will be at ease with you too. And that is all! [For now :o) ]

...when under the affluence of incohol, do you:
- want to weep at the high level of munteriness of the general population
- despair at the high level of stupidity of the general population
- want to stab the person in front of you - repeatedly
- send drunken texts
- fight the urge to send more drunken texts to people you really shouldn't
- want to get another tattoo in an inappropriate place
- decide that the search for the perfect rock god is completely futile...
- ...and not least because relationships are a pile of crap anyway and screw you up
- but love the gig anyway
- and later wonder what on earth you're doing on McDonalds internet at that time of night ??

No? Hmm, maybe it is just me then. Ho hum.

Going by the next few lines of that song – er, no, obviously not. But that would make a dull post, so, on the subject of ERM (Emotional Risk Management)…

I have been accused more than once over the years of putting up barriers, of not ‘letting people in’, of not allowing myself to get close to people or allowing them to get close to me. It’s a fair cop, I will hold my hands up to that. But there has been a reason, which is essentially emotional self-preservation or risk management -ERM if you like . The thought of getting that attached to someone makes me fundamentally uncomfortable – I feel that by doing that I am putting myself in a weak and vulnerable position; opening myself up to the possibility of getting hurt.

I recently reread my 1997 diary and found much the same views expressed (not changed with increaing years then). I spent most of the 90s with a succession of ‘erotic friends’ – people who I was genuinely fond of, had thoroughly enjoyable nights out (and in) with, but didn’t get romantically hung up on or angsty over. Eventually (in some cases after several years, on and off) we would drift off in different directions, with no animosity. Seemed an ideal situation really, I had all of the fun with none of the trauma.

There were a couple of exceptions though – people that, in spite of myself, I did get attached to, and thus ended up in a state of distress over. Ironically one was a guy who’s attitude was there is no point in getting into a relationship with someone, because you will inevitably either get married or split up – and since getting married was not on the cards, it would therefore end in a breakup so why bother in the first place? At the time I thought this was ERM in the extreme. During last year, I decided he had a point. Now, again finding myself in much the same situation, I think not. I keep flitting between the two viewpoints - has experience actually taught me anything?

Is all this ERM a waste of time though? Can you really avoid getting attached to someone, however much you insist to yourself (& whoever else wants to listen) that you aren’t? Sometimes it just sneaks up on you despite your best intentions. Then you don’t realise til its too late and you’ve had the heartache anyway, with none of the good stuff to make it worthwhile.

I think I am a slow burner, but a hot one *ahem* . It does take me a while to form attachments to people – I’ve never been one for whirlwind romances. But when I do, I mean it; its not just a passing fancy.

And why do relationships have to be a means to an end anyway? Why not an end in themselves – the fun of sharing time and experiences with someone special? There is an alternative ending, if there has to be an ending – sometimes things just come to the end of their time naturally, and there can be an amicable parting. Even if there is some pain at the time, eventually this does pass and people can remain on good terms. Idealistic, maybe, but far from impossible or even improbable.

People do split up; otherwise we would all end up with the first person we ever dated.
No-one actively wants to go through the pain of a separation. But, better to have loved and lost etc. I have been through difficult breakups, but if I had my time over again I wouldn’t choose to have never been with the people involved. Its all part of life’s rich tapestry, I’ve had some fabulous times and any heartache at the end was a price I was willing to pay. You can’t deny yourself opportunities in life, just for fear of what the outcome might be. Some risks are well worth taking, and life would be very dull otherwise.

I am currently very likely to lose what could have been the best thing to have happened to me in ages, because of someone else's ERM. Because I can't deliver on their long-term goals, they anticipate an inevitable painful parting & want to avoid it. I can hardly blame them; after all I've had a similar outlook myself for a long time. But I can't help but feel that we will both have been cheated out of some potentially amazing times.

I may not be able to salvage this one *heavy sigh*, but maybe its about time I stopped being so solid in my stance & started taking more chances. There’s been plenty of times I’ve said “I will never…” and then eventually done whatever it was. I am still not ready yet for a lot of the serious stuff, but I am open to persuasion – after all, this is now; that will be then.

Well, here we are in a new year, rah! 2004 had its ups and downs, as did the festive season, but was generally a very good year. I am pleased to say that I had a lovely time seeing in 2005 (big thanks to all involved!) and the new year has started on a top note for me so fingers crossed that keeps up :o) Anyway, seemed like an appropriate time to mull over a few thoughts, and so this is about stuff that I value and that means a lot to me. Not material things, but the less tangible (but often just as visible) elements in life. And so, in no particular order:

1. Accountability, and taking responsibility for your own actions. I have the utmost respect for people who can admit their mistakes and learn from them, and this is something I try to do. I will always hold my hands up and admit to cocking up, if that’s what I believe I’ve done. I also try and clear the air where possible by giving an apology if I believe I owe one. I would never pass the buck or claim it was someone else’s fault that I messed up. I will also try and take on board any criticisms levelled at me if I think they are justified. A few points follow from this then:
a) I expect people to do the same, and I have no time for people who bleat ‘But they/you/aliens made me do it’ or refuse to accept when they are in the wrong.
b) I am responsible for my own actions, not anyone else’s – I don’t make people do stuff that they wouldn’t otherwise have done, and vice versa. No-one makes you do something – we have a choice about how we act or react, whatever the circumstances.
c) I won't take the flak for something that really isn’t my fault and I certainly won’t stand for being wrongly accused of something. (Grrr.)



2. Actions speak louder than words (Facta Non Verba – my old school motto actually had an impact). Flowery words and silver tongues are all very well and very lovely in their place, but only as well as – not instead of – supporting actions. If someone’s behaviour is completely at odds with what they say, I would always make my value judgement based on how they act. Words can be too easy, too deceptive and too cheap – not to imply that they aren’t meant at the time, but its what people do that proves their worth and meaning. I don’t always come across as being a warm and fluffy person, and I know I often seem too matter-of-fact and no-nonsense, but I like to think at the end of the day that I do right by people, even if I’m not overflowing with poetic discourse.

3. Having said that – the power of speech. No, not contradicting myself here – I think the best way of sorting things out is to sit and talk through things and discuss them as calmly, rationally and honestly as possible. ( See entry dated Sept 6th 2004). This does have a couple of caveats attached – both parties need to be capable of actually doing this (ie have the self-awareness to know what they need to say, and the ability to express it appropriately), and there needs to be some follow-up actions (even if its just making a point of not doing something again) otherwise the talking becomes a pointless exercise (leads back to point 2).

4. Respect for others, and yourself. Yes, I know I’m beginning to sound like the end of a Jerry Springer show, but really this just about covers everything. Treat other people with the respect they deserve (even though it may not seem like a fat lot – Ed.) and don’t put up with any less from them. If someone tramples on my self-esteem and self-confidence, they are responsible – but I am responsible for letting them (see point 1). So, I don’t let them – if I think someone is Doing Me Wrong, I’ll say so and stand my ground. Much more this last year than previously – see entry dated August 17th 04 - but I owe it to myself not to let myself be a doormat.

5. Finally - knowing when to let go. Sometimes you have to admit defeat & stop flogging a dead horse. It can be upsetting, but it can be very liberating too. Things don't always work out, so we should just move on & put our energies into something else that might. I know I am far from perfect, & I'm sure I don't always succeed in the above endeavours, but I don't beat myself up over failures, I just try & use them for something positive in the future. A quote I read when I was 18 & angsty hit home - although I can't remember the beginning verbatim, it was along the lines of - some of the most valuable moments in life are not those of great success & happiness, but rather those when, out of the depths of sorrow & despair, "you feel rise within you a challenge to life, & the promise of future accomplishments"

And on that note - have a great 2005 everyone!

I think not, at least metaphorically. This is a topic that has fuelled many a soap storyline (yes, I’m a soapie, so sue me :oP) and usually ends up with me shouting abuse at the TV. Actually most soap storylines have that effect. But I digress.

It seems to be the case that you are expected to put up with, condone and ultimately forgive all evil behaviour towards you if the perp is a blood relation, however distant. Why?? Because, apparently, “you only get one mum/dad/whatever”, or “but he/she is your brother/sister/nephew/second cousin/whatever”. To me those are not good reasons, and they are in no way excuses for treating you like poo. In fact it makes it even worse, because your family are usually the people who are supposed to love, support and generally treat you well, not malign, denigrate or in any other way abuse you. Whether its something small like being verbally unpleasant, or something more serious like violence, it really frustrates me that we are expected to forgive and forget, or put up with it, because a resulting rift in the family is considered worse. What kind of twisted logic is that?

Biological relationships aren’t worth a chewed crisp and count for nothing, IMHO. Having a baby-producing bonk is not being a parent. Your parents are the people who devote years of their life to bringing you up, caring for you and protecting you, regardless of whether or not they contributed any DNA. Carrying a baby for 9 months and giving birth to it is not a big deal in itself – any 14 year old chav can manage that. I’m sure its all very well for me to say this since I am not adopted, nor have I ever had a kid, but if I were to find out that my parents are not my biological parents I wouldn’t give a stuff. They are my mum and dad, and no-one else could ever lay claim to those titles, even if it turned out someone else produced the baby Taz 35 years ago.

I am also very lucky in that I was very well treated as a kid. But again, if I had had violent, abusive or generally evil parents, I would have had no hesitation in cutting them out of my life at the first available opportunity, or at least having minimal contact with them. But for some inexplicable reason, some people still maintain relationships in adulthood with, and even look after, parents who treated them appallingly when they were younger. What’s that all about?

On another note, having a distant or tenuous family relationship with someone shouldn’t mean that you are obliged to be close to them, spend time with them or invite them to your wedding etc. That’s all great if you actually like the people involved, have shared interests, enjoy their company etc. But what if the only link you actually have with them is a common ancestor a few generations back? Beyond that, if to all intents and purposes they are a complete stranger that, if you met them in a pub, you would have nothing to talk about and wouldn’t choose as part of your circle of friends, then why bother? Third cousins several times removed are way down on the priority list if you are fortunate enough to have close friends that mean far more to you. But someone always says ‘But they’re family!’, like it matters. It doesn’t. Being there for someone, caring about them, being supportive, sharing laughs and problems – that’s what matters, not having a shared great-grandparent or even parent (or two).

At the end of the day, love and respect has to be earned and deserved – well, mine does anyway. Its not unconditional. I am sure that unconditional love is all very noble, but if that means letting people tread all over you and loving them anyway just because you happen to be related, I find that a bit pathetic really. I have more self-respect than that. And of course, it works both ways. I would never take people for granted and assume that I can treat them badly without any fear of consequence, just because they are family and therefore will always be there regardless. If people treat me with love and respect, I like to think that its because they want to and they feel I deserve it, not because they feel they have to because I’m family. I judge people on what they do, not on who they are, and I hope everyone else would judge me in the same way.

I’m not by nature of a nervous disposition, but there are obviously things in life that do scare me (or at least make me very uncomfortable). Some are just silly, like zombie movies, women that look like men (apologies if this offends anyone, but its true), karaoke and large spiders lurking on the bedroom ceiling (or anywhere in fact). Some are more profound phobias, like childbirth and being buried alive. Still, its not too hard to avoid both of those (erm, not tempting fate or anything there...)

But the one thing that I have to face from time to time that I really can’t cope with is people that I just can’t communicate with - which includes people I don’t have a language in common with, children, street loonies (see ‘women that look like men’, above), people who just refuse to talk to you, people who are simply too stupid to understand anything and people who are utterly off their face on booze or some other substance. The latter in particular, I find at best deeply disconcerting, and at worst utterly terrifying, depending on the person and the situation.

I firmly believe (perhaps naively, who knows) that there is no problem or situation that can’t be alleviated, if not sorted, through a rational, calm, honest discussion (not a shouting, insult-throwing rant or argument). Anyone that can’t or won’t respond to logic scares the hell out of me, because there is no element of control or predictability to the situation, you can’t make any connection with them and you just don’t know what they might do next - and by definition they probably aren’t constrained by social, moral or legal boundaries.

I think this is why a lot of horror movie concepts are so successfully frightening, from zombies, Daleks, aliens and swamp things to the Terminator and other unstoppable psychopathic homicidal maniacs - because once they start coming after you, they won’t stop to listen to reason and there’s no talking them out of it. That’s one of the reasons why I prefer vampires - at least they usually seem to have an intellectual capacity that you could, theoretically, appeal to (although admittedly most vampire films wouldn’t have worked if you could just say ‘Lets sit down and talk about it over a nice cup of tea’).

This is all even more disturbing when its people you know and love acting this way, especially when its completely out of character - its like they have been taken over by alien bodysnatchers. I can honestly (and selfishly, I guess) say I would rather my loved ones died than fell victim to something like Alzheimers, because either way they are lost to you, but with the latter you have the added trauma of having to deal with a scary monster that is disguised as someone you know but obviously isn’t them.


*sigh*

I decided in my teens that I would never be a parent. This was initially out of a phobic dread of childbirth (something that has never gone away in fact, although at least I’ve progressed enough to no longer have hyperventilating panic attacks every time someone on a soap opera has a baby). Of course, whenever I told people I didn’t want children, I got the usual responses - “Oh, you’ll change your mind when you get broody/meet the right man/have a frontal lobotomy etc”. But 20 years on I’m still as sure as ever, and over the years my list of reasons has got even longer, and more rational.

What amazes me is that people actually *want* to have babies. Why?? Whats the attraction?? It starts with 9 months of morning barfing, getting huge and having backache/swollen ankles/other assorted maladies, moves onto many hours of indescribable agony and mutilation of your most delicate areas (ew), and is followed by endless months of no sleep and no life outside of constant squawking, disgusting substances projecting from both ends of baby and constantly smelling of aforementioned substances. Then they start getting into everything and wrecking the joint, throwing tantrums, backchatting, misbehaving and generally causing you grief and huge expense until they are old enough to leave home and leave you in peace. And thats just the good ones.

Obviously it suits some people though, as I have many friends that seem quite happy with their roles as mum (although all had horror stories about the actual birth, which left me quite queasy). They have, it seems, happily made the transition from party animal to nappy changer/cake-baker/Homes and Garden magazine subscriber. But I can’t see it being my role in life. I have never had the slightest maternal instinct - in fact I reckon I’d be a crap parent - a strict disciplinarian with no patience or tolerance who would bitch-slap a tantrummy toddler into the middle of next week and throw a tantrummy teenager into the street with his belongings in a plastic bag and his house key permanently confiscated. I have to admit that, generically speaking, I just hate kids. If I see/hear one kicking off at the supermarket or wherever, I get infanticidal and suggest loudly that the parents try chloroform, or even better, just leave the brat locked in a cupboard at home instead of inflicting it on the general public. People say “Oh well, its different if they’re your own.” Yes, it would be - then I would actually be in a position to take my own advice. Lets face it, I owe it to my hypothetical children not to have them.

Having children is a huge commitment and something that you need to be absolutely sure of, and do a good job of. People who have children when they are too young (or too old) to look after them properly, or through recklessness, or because they want a dress-up doll, or a substitute for an affectionless upbringing, or basically in any circumstances other than careful planning and decision-making, are the height of irresponsibility and stupidity IMO.

I decided that, if I hadn’t changed my mind by the age of 30, I’d have my tubes tied, so that I would never have to worry about it happening through sheer bad luck (never carelessness!) and also so that no-one (particularly boyfriends) could try and talk me round - it would be non-negotiable, a done deal. As timing would have it, 2 weeks before turning 30 I started seeing a very wonderful guy who very obviously wanted children at some point. I still had the consultation appointment at the hospital a few weeks later, but felt that to go ahead with the op would effectively put the kiss of death on the relationship and would be a kick in the teeth to him. I did even for a while consider changing my mind, but in hindsight, it was for all the wrong reasons - doing it for someone else instead of myself. Luckily I did come to my senses in due course and decided it would be a huge mistake, and ended up more convinced than ever before about the whole thing.

So, given that I am completely sure of my own mind, am a grown up and have made a responsible and rational decision that takes into account not only the quality of my own life but also that of any kid I might have, why is it that people, and society generally, think this is a cardinal sin? Not having maternal instincts makes you an abomination of nature. Making a decision to dedicate your own life to your career, interests, hobbies or hedonistic activities, is considered selfish in the extreme. What’s that all about? I’ve been asked “But don’t you want to bring up a child so that you can pass all your views/beliefs/ideals onto them and they can make a contribution to society?” Er, no - not when I can do that myself and cut out the middle man. Besides, what if they in turn decided to do the same, putting their own life on hold just to facilitate someone elses - then it’s a neverending, pointless chain until one of your eventual descendants finds a cure for AIDS or something. Even the medical profession try to talk you out of it and in most cases won’t give you a voluntary sterilisation if they think you are too young (although the graphic description of the operation and side effects did succeed in stalling me for a while.)

And of course the problem of finding a bloke that feels the same way. Its hardly something you can reach a compromise on, after all. A relationship, however great it may be, is inevitably doomed to failure when you know you can’t stay together and both have what you want out of life - which does tend to pile on the pressure and take out some of the joy. Fortunately for me, life experience has also lead me to the conclusion that marriage and ‘settling down’ are also not on my agenda, and I’m happy to be with someone right now who shares those views, which saves a lot of bother and makes for a more relaxed relationship.

So people should just accept my decision - a decision that is mine alone to make, and is absolutely the right one for me. Oh well, I guess I’ll just wait for the menopause to kick in, with any luck in a few years - then subject closed.

I have always freely admitted that I am a spelling nazi. This extends to grammar, punctuation, and the written word generally. Obviously I’m prepared to make allowances for dyslexics, people for whom English is not a first language, and people who just aren’t very good at typing, but as for basic stupidity, there is no excuse. I particularly get irate when it’s something ‘official’, such as shop signs. (Round the corner from my flat, for example, is a shop that proclaims to be a ‘homoeopathic’ shop. Is this an indication of the sexual preferences of the owner, or just their low level of literacy? You decide).
In my job, I see shedloads of examples of rubbish writing, mainly on the CVs and job applications that land on my desk every day. (Incidentally, you’d be amazed at the number of ways people attempt to spell ‘curriculum vitae’.) Some of the information people think will get them a job is unbelievable. Below are some examples from my personal collection of so-bad-they’re-funny fave CVs & application letters. These are all genuine. Seriously. Makes you weep...

“I was employed dipping anything in metal in baths of silver chemicals for resilvering, and someone was putting Swarfega in my good shoes so in the end I walked home in my work shoes.”

And from the same CV..

“I worked in a bakers shop with the late Norman Evans in the High Street,I did not like his brother, and the customers were sometimes complaining about me not putting enough jam in the donuts.”

“I...have developed a weighed rang of retail and administrative skills”

“You don’t know me, I realise. But I just have to write to you. I know you will find what I am about to tell you hard to believe, but it is true. I am a computer. And my name is Eddy. In a moment you will read about my human owner Tony in the attached letter for your advertised position.”

“If you have ever wanted a stampede, the driving of hordes of new clients... and business your way- with the explosive velocity of a herd of buffalo. Then you will realise this letter of interest to you.”

“Other qualifications and experience go as far as order in and out organisation. key board skills am quick to learn the full acknowledgement of company proceedings. I would appreciate your fair consideration in may be offering an arranged meeting with you to discussing the opportunity to allowing me to prove myself.”

“Are there any vacancy’s, within the IMFORMATIOM TECHNOLOGY Department. If there is a requirement for a person to unload vehicles with new equipment, or dispatch them. Move Computers, IT equipment, and associated items, around buildings, or Inter Office moves. Also to convey such items to satellite buildings, that are apart of the company. I would be most interested.”

“DETAILED DESSCRIPTION
Receptionist
... I am like the spider in the net, so to speak.”

“I am writing in hope would you me have a jounyer position at the end of my studyies”

“Activities and interests: Astrology and spiritual development, ie meditation and second sight”

“In the previous incarnation of this letter, which you may have received, I commented that I was totally computer illiterate. However I am now at least able...to summon up the jobs menu, and then the page showing the first likely job - alas beyond that when I try to get back to the menu, I find, either, a page telling me I am locked out, or, an equally immovable page informing me that the job page I looked at may not have been genuine because it had not been encrypted - so I revert to the jobs on the cards on the jobcentre display boards.”

“Matial Studies: Single”

“Examination Taken: Wordprocceing, Business Amanstration. Rsa Clair. This I taken an examination on it, which I passed it.”

“I like people and get on well with them, but am unsentimental in dealing with them. ... I make every effort to help the genuine cases; however, if neither they nor I can resolve their problems, they have to go.”

“If your kind self have to chosen me suitable and qualified to work in your esteemed organisation, I will not be stepped-back from the job appointed to me else-hardworking and shall try to do my job with whole-hearted curosity.”

What are these people on??!! Needless to say, none of this lot got an interview - I sent polite rejection letters, although it was hard not to send them letterbombs. And believe me, there’s a lot more where they came from - and no doubt a lot more to come! Watch out for Vol 2 sometime...